Although I have been diligently praying and seeking God for peace regarding my daughter's father, it seems as if with every day I get even sadder. Some days are better than others, but still bad. I continue to press forward even on the darkest days for my daughter because she deserves it.
Today, I said to myself that, "I don't think that I will ever have peace about him leaving me.", and when I had that thought I immediately said to myself "but you are praying for peace right?..." in that moment the Holy Spirit brought to my remembrance a sermon that I heard from Bishop Jakes and when I heard the sermon one morning as I was getting ready for work, it didn't register that I would need to apply it to this aspect of my life however the sermon was about having to believe in your spirit before it can manifest on Earth.
*Insert Church gasp*
Bishop Jakes gave the analogy of a woman being a wife: The Bible says, a man that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. He broke it down to the explanation of when a man prays for a wife and finds a wife it's because she's already a wife in her spirit and through time the man will bring about a manifestation that causes her to be a wife in the natural. But, she first has to be a wife in her spirit, and possess Godly wife and Virtuous woman qualities so that her husband's spirit will acknowledge her. (He has to be in God to even acknowledge who she is in God...catch that!)
When this came back to my spirit's remembrance, I immediately realized that I have yet to receive peace because I don't believe that peace exists in my spirit. The Bible also says that for everything there is a season, a time to mourn, a time to laugh, a time to cry and etcetera, and somehow in my spirit I have accepted that I am going to grieve forever. I have accepted that I will always be sad. I have accepted that I will always miss him. And I have accepted that maybe I won't have any more kids. And I have accepted that maybe he'll always be that one for me. I have accepted that on October 21st 2016 love ended for me outside of my daughter of course.
Although he died over two years ago, I talk about him because for me it is a daily struggle. Some days I cry when I wake up, on the way to work, in the restroom, and my car, on my way home and at night, and although he will be missed and although he will forever have a peace of my heart, I have to choose to believe in my spirit that God will allow me to have peace. I have to believe in order for God to manifest my peace. I can pray and pray and pray and pray but if I pray and doubt I am automatically putting a void stamp on my prayer
I feel like anytime that you do something different or out of the ordinary for God that He will reward you and that reward may not be physical or tangible but it will be a reward. For me, on yesterday I ministered a song and I truly poured my heart out corporately in a way that I had never done and through that different kind of worship, God rewarded me today with understanding that I have to believe in my spirit not only for things to be manifested on Earth but for things to be manifested in the spirit. So, believe in the spirit pray and allow those things to manifest. I don't believe that God wants me to feel down the rest of my days. The moral of the story is that we have to first believe in the power of God enough to believe within our spirit for God to move. . lot of times I will pray and ask God to forgive me for my unbelief or doubt and I will ask God to honor my Mustard Seed of faith.
For the job that I have now I had to go on three different interviews and the process took about two months start to finish and I remember that on my 3rd interview I heard the Holy Spirit say to do a prayer and praise of Thanksgiving so I was obedient and although I am not a fan of Tasha Cobbs I put on her song put a praise on it and messed around and caught the Holy Ghost. After I was done thanking God for what I believed for in my spirit, He manifested it on Earth and did it and delivered it much better than I had even prayed for.
I know that this blog is not just ministering to me so whoever is going through here is a word of encouragement believe it in your spirit and allow God to work with even your little bitty mustard seed.