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Prayer for Perception

I'd definitely say that over the past 4 years, my life has done a complete shift and I didn't think that any of the changes were good. 

God gave me exactly what I asked for but it wasn't at all what I wanted.

On my 20th birthday I said " 5 years I want to be done with college, married, in love and I want to have a baby or be pregnant." So what happened was ( lol) I got married, graduated college, got divorced, fell in love, got pregnant, lost my boyfriend and then had our daughter.

It didn't work out at all like I'd envisioned but I've had to keep it moving even on days where I want to lay in bed, read old text messages and cry. 

I don't think that I'm 100℅ okay or acceptive of the fact that I won't spend the rest of my life with my daughters father (sometimes I think that my reality is a crazy dream). But I have embraced the perception and understanding that my daughter and I will be okay and I have to believe that she will not lack the presence of a father and that I will someday love again. 

10/21/16 is the day that my daughter's father died and with the second anniversary/ memorial of his death approaching, I am reliving that day on a daily basis. I remember what I wore, how I felt, how I immediately questioned God, how I turned from God, how I felt like God was punishing me and how I felt as though I had died. 

I still cry and sometimes I still wonder "why?" but through my prayer for God to shift my perception, I see that God allowed my daughter's father and I to reconnect (we met when I was 18, didn't see each other for several years and then BOOM?) and although he's not physically with me on Earth, I have him through my daughter. God could have not allowed that to happen. God has also allowed me to see that although we didn't get to celebrate 25 or50 years together, I had  for the rest of his life. Last but not least God allowed me to see that even though he died young, he left legacy through his music and through his children.

If I had one more day with him... would I take it?

In a heartbeat. 

But my prayer for perception allows me to cherish our love, our time together and our daughter that much more. I'll always be grateful to God for allowing me an opportunity to love him. 

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