I try to be as transparent as possible while maintaining a level of privacy at the same time. I learned the hard way that nobody will fight harder for you than you will fight for you. In between the time of my divorce and the time of me reconnecting with my daughters father, I was an avid faster and prayer. In that time, my song was different, my love language to God was different and I was just a different person. The day that my daughter’s father died, I died. I’ve physically been here, going through the motions, trying to serve God but being so angry with Him to the point that I couldn’t fully worship, I couldn’t fully sing, I couldn’t fully shout because I was dead. Hurt and dead. Sad and dead. Sick and dead. Broken and dead.
The day that my daughter was born, a piece of me came back to life. I was broken but the mother in me knew that I had to pray for my child as only a mother could pray. I cried and prayed until my daughter was released from the NICU. I was thankful that God sparred her life and allowed her to overcome what the doctors said but I was still dead. At first I couldn’t fake it, I couldn’t laugh, smile or joke, honestly, I could barely breathe.
I had gotten to the point to where I did not want to do anything but sit and die. Not just spiritually but physically. For a 26 year old woman to feel like she doesn’t have the strength within her to carry on is a problem.
For the past year I have felt an urgency in my spirit to fast but I was nursing my daughter so I didn’t and I found every excuse in the book to run from that mandate to fast. Last week I received some news from my doctor and again I felt the urgency come upon me again. Today I decided to be obedient and fast.
Many people fast for things to happen, move, shift and etc. but I am fasting for the ‘me’ that God sees when He looks at me. The ‘me’ that I forgot about, the ‘me’ that loves, the ‘me’ that lives and smiles about tomorrow, the ‘me’ that is perfectly content with being single, the ‘me’ that is meant to do the work and the ‘me’ that I thought died.
I am Gods daughter first and I am a mother second and fast means to fight for the ‘me’ that will raise a virtuous woman. What are you fighting for?