Sometimes you really have to regroup. With that being said, since I've had my daughter I have just been in a different space mentally, spiritually and definitely physically. I'll start from the beginning; in case you haven't put it together, my deceased boyfriend is my daughter's father. Honestly I can't begin to tell you how I am making it through that aspect of my life other than saying "It's God." In the spirit of complete transparency, I find myself wanting to cry every other hour if not every hour by just having to acknowledge that she will never know first-hand how amazing he was and how excited he was be about her existence. Giving birth to my daughter shall forever remain the greatest moment of my life, but also the scariest. When she came out, she wasn't breathing because the umbilical chord was wrapped around her neck twice. I can only attempt to simplify our testimony; my daughter was rushed to Cooks Children because the believed that she had brain damage due to lack of oxygen. BUT GOD! I was in the hospital for two days because of how much damage was done to my body during delivery. Once my doctor released by me, I went to be with her. Being at the hospital with her was the longest two weeks of my life. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't cry. To see her in an incubator with a breathing tube, a feeding tube, her arm in a sling, hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines made me feel as though I had in some way failed her. I was constantly being told what was 'wrong' with her and what she 'wouldn't be able to do'. BUT GOD! I felt like I was daily at my breaking point, never wanting to leave her side and being and feeling alone and helpless. One night I cried out to God with all that I had and pleaded for Him to heal her and allow us to go home and God did just that. That was only part of the battle; the other part was my body doing everything but bouncing back. Stitches coming out, having to have various procedures and then having those other procedures fail. I can't fake and say everything is good because even now my delivery complications have severely effected me. BUT GOD! I've cried more since becoming a mother than I care to admit, BUT GOD! In the midst of all of the calamity and chaos, He is still God and even in this; not having the love of my life, my body being broke down, not feeling physically 'normal' and waking up every two hours with my baby; I'm still going to give Him the praise because He is worthy! I pray that my testimony is a blessing to someone. I love you and no matter the size of the storm, God loves you too!!!
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