I've never been the most forgiving person, it's not something that I am proud of, but the truth is the truth. It wasn't until my separation and me still having to see my ex every week, and worship beside him and minister beside him while he acted as if he didn't even know my name, that I realized that not only was I capable of loving beyond hurt, but I was capable of forgiving and having the desire to forgive. Some Sundays I honestly wanted to donkey kick him off the drums, and some Sundays I just stared at him (hoping that he didn't notice), wondering how I could make it right.
I'm not going to go into too much depth about forgiveness but for those wondering what I mean when I say the desire to forgive, I mean the willingness to ask God to remove the unforgiveness in your heart towards a certain person. For me, in this particular situation, my forgiveness wasn't instant nor was my desire to forgive. I had to constantly pray "God allow me to forgive him, allow me to see him as you see him, allow me not to hate him, allow me not to resent him. God allow me to think of him and not be uneasy, hurt or broken. God allow me to think of him and still remain at peace." This was a daily prayer and to be honest, some days I prayed it every single hour or minute.
So many times we go through things in life to not only teach us a lesson but to birth something in us and to introduce us to ourselves (Yes yourself, the better you, the future you!) . This season of my life has taught me what I am capable of as a woman. I have always been a no nonsense, 'I can have another you in a minute', 'you have one time to lie and I gone' person because I didn't feel as though I possessed what it took to love a person that hurt me or betrayed me or a person that lied to me.
What am I saying? What, I am saying is, you never know what you are capable of until it is forced to come out of you. I hear that I can have a baby, but I won't know until I get pregnant and see life come from me. Get it? Got it? Good!
(Please don't interpret this post as me saying that something has changed in my situation because God himself would have to Skype, Snap chat, IM, text and tweet me for something to shift that, and that is not even a joke! )