But I was supposed to be done though...


When I was younger, like in my teenage years, I just knew that I would be done with having my 4-5 kids by the time that I was 27. I even had the audacity to say that by the time that I was 30, my baby factory would be shutdown and closed for business point, blank and PERIOD. I never imagined that I would be 25 when I had my first child nor did I think that I would be a single mother on this side of my 20's. Even when I got pregnant with my daughter, her father and I planned on getting married before we had her, waiting until she was one and then having another to finalize our family. At the time, my daughters father had 3 children, + plus our 1 then our 2nd and that would have been my 5 babies. (I'm not one of those "Them ain't my kids!" type of women. If we are in a relationship and you have children then they become my children. Not saying that I would make them call me "mama", but my heart would treat them as my natural born babies.) However, life hardly ever works out how we see it panning out. It's like I told God my plans and He thought that I was a comedian or jester of some sort.

Fast-forward from being a naive teenager who thought that 30 was old to today with me being a 27 year single woman with one child. Listen when I tell you that my womanly clock is ticking like a grenade and I refuse to be that 45 year old mama that's walking her child into pre-k. The devil is a liar! Even in that realization, I have to trust that God will keep my desire in mind and not make me the modern Sarah. However, I am in NO RUSH to get married or pop out any babies. (Oxymoron, I know!)

I know that as a person, I put more pressure on myself than necessary. In my head, I have 8 years to have 3 more kids, not having them back to back and making sure that I don't go from a brick house to a warehouse. This isn't pressure that society has put on me but it is pressure that I put on myself years ago. I definitely thought that at this particular stage/time in my life, I would have my ideal family and my amazing little mini basketball team. The silver lining of it is that because of everything that I have gone through, that I would not have gone through if I already had my little mini basketball team. Because my timeline is not God's timeline, I will not only be a better mother to my daughter and her future siblings and I will most definitely be a better wife to my future bae. My life is not how I imagined that it would be, but I am still trusting the process and drowning out my clock even though I was supposed to be done by now, or so I thought.


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