So......

I've been gone almost 2 months. My bad!!!!

I did have surgery, that Praise God went well but I'm still pushing to get back to 100 because 99 and 1/2 won't do.

I really always try to be transparent because I know that I can't be alone in the things that I go through and if I can help somebody else even when I need help, just by sharing my story then that's what I'll do. If you read my blogs and you are a true QueenMe supporter then you know that February (my daughters fathers birthday month) and October (the month that he died) are two months that I have to struggle through. This year marked 3 years since I last told him that I loved him and the month of October was almost unbearable. So unbearable that literally every day was a struggle to just get out of the bed. Every negative thought that could have formed in my mind did and I allowed that negativity to transfer into my spirit. I wanted to stop going to church, I felt like I couldn't pray for myself because of the thought that 'God couldn't possibly love me if He allowed me and my spirit to get this low.' For the first time my life, I was in a place that I felt like I would never leave and that was okay with me.

If you have never really grieved, you may not understand my next statement but grieving is how I stay close to my daughters father, Anthony. Thinking about when we met, his laugh, his smile, his mean sense of humor, how he reacted when he found out that I was pregnant, how we talked about getting married and how he reacted when I told him that I just wanted to go to the Courthouse and have my parents marry us in the living room (I was serious).

The thing about being in a defeated state is that you willingly allow the enemy to throw whatever else on top of you while you're down. So onto of grieving, I was depressed, I was doubting myself in every area of my life even as a mother, I was doubting God, I was crying myself to sleep, I was feeling worthless and I really didn't see a reason outside of my daughter to live. I woke up asking God why He even allowed me to see another day, my purpose was in a box that I couldn't seem to find. I can say all of that because I know that I am not the only one, although I felt alone, it was only God that didn't allow all of those thoughts and spirits to overtake me and I say all of that to say that "I got this!". Not every day will be great but as long as God allows me to make it, I will continue to move forward. As long as God allows me to work in my gifts, I will. Why? For you. So that you, the person who reading this to know that what you are going through is not as strong as the God that we serve. You are only down because you haven't decided to get up!

I love you!!! We got this!!!!